Why Leaders Need Self-Compassion
Leading can exhilarate and devastate. Self-compassion helps you choose.
Leaders envision new realities. Great leaders propose bold visions, and astonish us by realizing them.
As a leader committing to a new reality, you commit to not accepting what is - a recipe for unhappiness. Parker Palmer calls this the “tragic gap” - the space between reality and the better world you know is possible. While you must do your work to help stay positive, hard things are hard, your mind has a negativity bias that struggles with uncertainty, and reality's stubbornness tests even the most resilient leaders.
When executing a difficult mission, you relentlessly seek areas to improve, including your own performance. Trouble arises when such self-reflection descends to harsh self-judgment; when “How come I can’t make it happen?” turns to “What the hell is wrong with me?”
While self-reflection is essential to high performance, balance is needed. Harsh self-judgement activates our biological threat detection system, increases stress hormones, reduces our willingness to trust, and restricts our ability to process information clearly. All unhelpful when trying to put a dent in the universe. Plus, self-flagellation just feels shitty and can lead to depression.
How Self-Compassion Helps
Recent research is confirming the benefits of an ancient, kinder response - self-compassion.
In contrast to self-judgement, self-compassion deactivates the threat detection system, and activates the care system. The care system releases oxytocin ( the love hormone), which reduces stress, and increases feelings of safety. This helps you be present in the moment and free to make decisions guided by rationale and not fear.
What exactly is self-compassion? In 2003, a leading researcher on self-compassion, Kristin Neff at the University of Texas, wrote “Self-compassion entails three main components: (a) self-kindness—being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical, (b) common humanity—perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as separating and isolating, and (c) mindfulness—holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them.”
You might be thinking, if I’m not making the progress I want, shouldn’t I ruthlessly criticize myself instead of taking a warm bath of self-love? Actually, no.
New research continues to show how self-compassion improves performance, including by motivating you to change. For example, self compassion:
Encourages Self-Development: Based on her research, Dr. Serena Chen has argued in the Harvard Business Review that self-compassion helps you more accurately evaluate your own performance. She also found it builds motivation to improve on such weaknesses.
Enhances Creativity: A 2010 study published in the Creativity Study Journal found that individuals with relatively high self-judgment who were exposed to a self-compassion journaling exercise had higher levels of creative originality than the control group who did not do the journaling.
Improves Resilience: In a series of studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, it was found that self-compassion reduced defensiveness, and increased resiliency.
Reduces Fear of Failure: Research published in Entrepreneurship Theory and Practice in 2019 found that entrepreneurs exposed to a meditation that generated self-compassion had lower fear reactivity. Lower fear reactivity promotes clearer thinking, and an ability to act.
Beyond the research, I’ve personally experienced the benefits of developing self-compassion. A consistent meditation practice helped me become aware of self-critical thoughts that were unsupportive, especially in the entrepreneurial domain. I now find myself weekly pulling out self-compassion exercises that help me focus on my work, instead of my worries. I’m also using it to calm the mind when having trouble sleeping.
Neff’s three elements of self-compassion above offer guidance for deploying it yourself. First, acknowledge your thoughts, but don't identify with them. Second, recognize that you're not alone in your struggle and that others experience challenges not dissimilar to yours. Finally, reflect on what a kind response to your troubles may be, or what a friend may suggest for you.
For explicit self-compassion exercises, Kristin Neff has a number of resources including meditations and journaling exercises here. I also regularly use Tara Brach’s self-compassion based “RAIN” practice in moments of overwhelm.
Leading can be difficult. Reality can be stubborn. Don't beat yourself up over it.